The power of asking “what,” instead of “why”
Consider the impact of how you phrase a question on the person that you are speaking to.
Whether you start your question with "what" or "why" affects the response you get.
Coaching has taught me the power of asking "what" not "why" questions. Compare the following:
• Why did you do that?
• What motivated you to do it that way?
The impact of the "why" question is defensive. It leads people to tense up in their body, contract and then look back to justify their actions. It comes with more fear.
The "what" question is more open and expansive. It doesn't sound like there is an assumption of wrongdoing or a mistake. It allows for an exchange of ideas and more learning through the dialogue that follows.
In workshops and training sessions I noticed that participants struggled to ask questions that didn't put people on the defensive and weren't tuned into the impact they were having, so I get them to play the Reframe Game. They come prepared with challenging questions they need to ask, and we reframe them from "why" to "what".
Whilst we're about it, we replace the word "but" with "and".
We ask both versions of the questions and feel the impact in the body. The difference is something that is physically felt.
Language is incredibly powerful. How you phrase your question affects the response that you get.
If you want to try this in your own life, start with noticing what you do and how it impacts on people. Then, notice what people do to you and how you respond.
Enjoy exploring!