Why aren’t I making a change I know I want to make?
I really really want to change this but keep not doing it. Why am I finding this so hard?
First things first, notice that you are in a transition. It sounds flippant but transitions are hard because they are hard! In this article I’m going to walk you through what your brain is up to as you go through this process and why getting support outside your inner circle will help you on your journey.
You’re venturing into the unknown
To reiterate, transitions are hard. Part of the process involves challenging our sense of self. Being made redundant when you are the breadwinner, ending a relationship when you have children together or leaving the company that you founded are all examples of this. These identities of breadwinner, spouse and co-parent and owner founder are deep held senses of self and are the way we define ourselves. When they end, we are thrust into the unknown and the search for what comes next. This can be destabilising and shake us to our core.
The tricky thing about transitions is that they start with an ending and end with a new beginning (there is a space in the middle but we will come to that). Endings are hard. They involve giving things up, letting go and grieving for what was (especially if we didn’t choose the ending). The companies we work in and even our friends and family find it hard to hold space for all the feelings that come up around endings. The extra tricky thing about transitions is that if we don’t take the time and space to be with the endings, then we can’t move to the new beginning.
You have to go through the Messy Middle
After the brave work of being with the feelings of ending, loss and letting go, before the new beginning, there is one more stage. William Bridges, one the leading writers on transitions, calls this stage the Neutral Zone. I call it the Messy Middle, the liminal space where we don’t know what is coming next. This stage is characterised by not knowing. Our tricky human brain is wired for safety. Not knowing is not safe!
Think about it like swimming away from the island that we know well, live on, have family on. It might be all we have ever known. You swim out from your island, turn around, and look back to where you came from. That feels ok. After a few more strokes, you turn and can’t see your island anymore. You can’t see where you came from but you also can’t see where we are going to. You are alone in the middle of the ocean. The safest thing to do (from the brain’s perspective) is go back to what we know. The brain is wired for safety. What we know is safe. You swim back to the old ways, nothing changes.
The galvanising power of not knowing
This space of not knowing, the Messy Middle, may seem like it is nowhere but spending time in it can be creative and catalytic. Most importantly, it is where change comes from. Seeing the Messy Middle as an actual stage enables you to reap the rewards of what comes next, the new beginning.
The Messy Middle is scary for you and it is also scary for those closest to you. Even though our inner circle may be who we go to for support at these times, they may also struggle to see a new you. You in the new identity and beginning that is to come. They are more likely to be the voices from your old island calling you back to what you know. They may rely on, like and be wedded to the old you.
Find support outside of your inner circle
Having support on this journey is like adding a person on a paddleboard alongside you on your scary ocean swim.They can help you dig deep and find the energy to keep on swimming when you get stuck, tell you how much further you have to go and remind you that you can do it. They act as your cheerleader to remind you of why you struck out from the old island in the first place.
We need to find support outside of our inner circle to play with ideas of what comes next. Where we come from is known, where we are going to need voices of challenge, difference and newness. Finding these people is an important step towards getting through the messy middle to the new beginning on the other side.
Personally, I didn’t find this voice (who was coach) until I had spent many years bouncing around in my financial services sales career. The role wasn’t suited to me and each change I made was a change of company. This was effectively going back to the island that I knew. It took me many years to transition out of financial services and I worked with a coach after it happened to make sense of the process. That’s another story!
Be kind to yourself, the journey can be bumpy
If you take anything from this article, for me it would be to remember that transitions are hard. Our brain is wired to stay safe and safety is what we know. Making the change runs against our instinct,` and sometimes the voice of those in our inner circle too. So if you are in the Messy Middle of a transition, feel a longing to change something or stuck with where you are, give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself. Transitions by their very nature are hard.
You have permission to find this hard. I certainly did and coach many others who do. You’re not alone. Recruit supporters to paddle alongside on the journey.